This last year has been both exciting and nerve-racking for our family. My oldest child has graduated high school and will be headed off to college over 1,000 miles away in Arizona. One of the many benefits of going through transition is the opportunity it affords us to reflect. Both my wife and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on our parenting journey. There have been many ups and downs. There are some things we would do differently, but thankfully, overall, we are satisfied with the results.
I’m not going to get into what we would have done differently. Those are lessons for another blog post in the future. I want to focus on one important principle we successfully navigated (at least with our oldest) in our parenting journey. We have maintained our influence in his life. If you asked him today, I believe Josiah would tell you that he trusts us and he respects our opinion. If you have younger children that may seem like a bare minimum achievement, but trust me, it is a minor miracle.
When our children were young, they were in awe of us as parents. They listened to every instruction we gave whether it was math, basketball, or fashion. However, everything changed during the tween years. All of the sudden, nothing we said was automatically interpreted as undeniable truth. Now, everything was weighed against their own experiences and the opinions of peers. While this very natural transition takes place, as parents we must adjust on the fly. Here are some things to remember if you are in this season with your children, or if you are heading there soon.
Fight for the Heart
It’s not enough to just be around, or to provide, or take care of your children, you must develop a deep friendship with them as well. Get to know them. Find out all about the things that interest them. Learn about their friends and ask them to tell you about their day, everyday. It’s one thing to be a parental figure with authority in their life, but if you want to maintain your influence with them, you must be a friend.
I’m so grateful to have maintained a playful side in adulthood. It has served me well as a parent. I remember spending countless hours playing army guys, building legos, or making funny videos with my kids. Investing the time to play with them has helped develop a deep bond of friendship. Looking back, those were some of my favorite moments with my son Josiah. We love to get on Facebook and look at old funny videos we made together. He cherishes those memories as much as I do.
I realize this doesn’t come as naturally for some people, but all I can say is, it’s worth the sacrifice. If you would rather do adult things, just remember that this season of life is so fleeting and there are no do-overs. You’ve got one shot to win over the hearts of your kids. Don’t live in regret wishing you would’ve done things differently, take the time to connect and play with them.
Choose making a difference over making a point
During the tween and teenage years, the temptation to argue and debate your children presents itself on a daily basis. It’s human nature to want to win an argument. As a parent, however, there is a tendency to leverage your authority and knowledge to demolish every argument that presents itself against curfews, dress codes, or bedtimes. There’s a reason we laugh at common parental phrases we adopted from our own parents such as, “if your friends all jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?”, or “I’m your father and as long as you live in my house, you’ll do as I say!” These were the drop the mic moments, the lines that came in clutch leaving children stammering with nothing left to say. Don’t get me wrong, I won my fair share of arguments, but I never shied away from the debate.
All of my children have a sharp wit (they get that from their mother) and are skilled debaters. It’s the 10,000 hour rule in effect. They’ve spent thousands of hours debating with each other and with us about anything and everything. Our children rarely heard “because I told you so” as the reason for why they should abide by the rules of our household. We worked hard to explain, reason and instruct them on why we expected them to meet standards and keep responsibilities.
Was it exhausting at times? Yes, absolutely, but it has made all the difference. There were times I lost my temper and demanded obedience, but I never failed to go back and explain myself. Both Deborah and I maintained vulnerability and we have been brutally honest with our children. This has built trust over the years. It’s amazing how expressing weakness can lead to respect and honor. Never underestimate the importance of opening up and being yourself with your children. You are their authority, but if you maintain your authority because of your position as a parent, you won’t have it for long. To maintain influence, don’t settle for making points, make a difference in their lives.