What’s your parenting philosophy? Whenever I am asked that question, I usually stand there with a blank stare on my face trying to figure out how I can describe “winging it” in a way that actually sounds responsible. It’s not that I don’t give forethought into how I am parenting my children, it’s just that I’ve come to realize that in order to survive and possibly thrive on this journey, I am going to need to be incredibly flexible. Maybe that’s the best way to describe my parenting philosophy… flexible.
My wife and I raised our kids in the Baby Einstein generation. Parents were/are obsessed with raising the next Steve Jobs (there’s an article on this), the next pop music icon, or dance star. It’s a lot of pressure. I don’t know how or why we’ve decided that these are reasonable goals, or even desirable, but the aspirations persist.
My hope was that at least one of my children would become a world class athlete. I preferred basketball, but any sport would do. I took to the task Biblically and trained them while they were young, so that when they were older they wouldn’t depart from it (Prov. 22:6). It’s become rather clear that this was an unrealistic expectation, and in the wake of that revelation some major adjustments needed to be made.
Be flexible with the results and enjoy the process
I’ve learned to be flexible with the results and just enjoy the process. I’ve spent a lot of hours with my children in the gym drilling, shooting, and exercising. I envisioned this investment resulting in major success in high school basketball and maybe a few college scholarships. When my oldest decided to quit basketball his Senior year, I had to reevaluate the goal. In reality, success in basketball pales in comparison to success in life and healthy relationships. In reevaluating, I realized that the basketball training produced work ethic and the time invested produced a depth of relationship with my kids. The results weren’t what I was anticipating. I needed to be flexible and value the process.
Be flexible with goals and let your children envision who they want to be
I’ve learned to be flexible with goals and let my kids discover what they envisioned for their lives. In the wake of the college admission scandals that were recently reported, I heard a new term used to describe the current generation of parents. “Helicopter parent” was no longer a strong enough adjective to describe the lengths that parents would go to ensure their child’s life turned out as they envisioned, this phenomenon is now referred to as “bulldozer parenting”. The idea is to remove every obstacle from our children’s path, so they can realize their manifest destiny. My wife and I realized early on the importance of keeping our hands off as much as possible. It requires an incredible amount of restraint and if you were to ask our children they might say we are still too controlling, but we’ve learned to strike a healthy balance.
Be flexible through the seasons of life
I learned to be flexible through the seasons of life. Nothing is static. It is said that relationships are like a dance and the application can be made of the parent/child relationship. The rules must constantly be adjusted, along with the levels of responsibility, and communication styles. Our kids grow up before our eyes, but sometimes it takes our eyes time to adjust. I’ll be looking at my teenager like they are in the third grade and somehow revert back to the way it used to be. If I stubbornly hold on to what worked yesterday, I will constantly be subjected to the frustration that “this just isn’t working.” Because it won’t. Whether it’s your two year old who wants to do it on their own now, or your teenager who needs a more lenient curfew, we will always be adapting to the reality that our children are growing up and we need to be flexible.
Ultimately, flexibility is about having the humility to admit that how you have always approached things might need to change. It also means you must surrender control. The need to control things makes it very difficult to adapt and change. So, how might you be more flexible in this season of your parenting journey? Think about it. Journal about it. Make it a habit to keep coming back to this question and stretch yourself a little farther. Be flexible.